Play Sample

The Death of Margaret Thatcher

By Alex Odom

 

 

MS. THATCHER (Male in early twenties) is found center stage wearing a conservative woman’s suit jacket and a long matching skirt. JANET (Female in Thirties) enters stage left. DOUGLAS (Male in Thirties) enters stage right.

 

            MS. THATCHER

This is the story of how Janet (Motions to JANET who freezes) broken hearted and scorned, set out to kill her cheating husband Douglas (Motions to DOUGLAS who also freezes). Douglas was a serial adulterer and had cheated on Janet with five different women, three different men and taken part in two separate orgies. Janet, who knew about two of the women and one of the orgies, decided she’d had enough.

 

                        JANET pulls a large pistol from her purse.

 

            MS. THATCHER

Janet, having discovered the address of Douglas’s current mistress, waits down the street for him to leave.

 

JANET and DOUGLAS unfreeze and move slowly towards each other. CINDY (Female in Twenties) enters stage left and walks quickly past JANET and DOUGLAS. DOUGLAS turns and stares at CINDY as she passes.

 

            MS. THATCHER

Douglas does not notice his disgruntled wife walking towards him with a large caliber hand gun because he is staring at a passing woman’s spectacular ass. Janet takes note of this distraction and becomes more resolved than ever to end her husband’s life.

 

JANET takes aim at DOUGLAS. PHILLIP (Male in Twenties) enters stage right jogging with his head turned to look at CINDY.

 

            MS. THATCHER

Phillip, a jogger, also notices the woman’s immaculate buttocks and immediately recognizes it as belonging to his long lost love Cindy. Distracted, Phillip bumps into Janet.

 

PHILLIP bumps into JANET, the gun fires. DOUGLAS drops to the ground.

 

            MS. THATCHER

The gun fires into a nearby window accidentally wounding an elderly woman. Janet panics, drops the pistol and runs.

 

                        DOUGLAS looks up.

 

            MS. THATCHER

Douglas, actually looking at his wife for the first time in years. Sees a familiarly silky pair of legs fleeing the scene of the crime. He does not recognize them as his wife’s.

 

                        DOUGLAS stands.

 

            MS. THATCHER

Douglas assumes the familiar legs belong to a former lover, who having discovered his marital status, decided to extract revenge. He has not once thought of his wife in the last six months and therefore never suspects her of the attempted murder.

 

            PHILLIP

Cindy? Is that you?

 

            CINDY

Oh my god! Phillip?

 

            PHILLIP

Yeah, how are you?

 

            CINDY

I’m great.

 

            PHILLIP

Yeah, wow… you look great. Your ass still looks amazing.

 

            CINDY

It does, doesn’t it? (Pause) God, how long has it been?

 

            MS. THATCHER

It had been a long time.

 

            PHILLIP

It’s been a long time.

 

            MS. THATCHER

About five years.

 

            CINDY

Like five years I think.

 

            DOUGLAS

Are you guys okay?

 

 

            PHILLIP

Never better.

 

DOUGLAS rubs on his pants roughly with a handkerchief. CINDY and PHILLIP move up center stage and talk softly to each other.

 

            MS. THATCHER

As Douglas regains feeling in his limbs he wonders if the fresh urine stain; newly formed on his crotch will ruin his favorite pair of slacks. Cindy and Phillip reunited after five years, are completely taken with each other. Each one rediscovers their feelings of passion for the other one, although not at the same time. First Phillip… then Cindy. It will take them each another few minutes to realize that a high powered handgun has been fired within twenty feet of them.

 

            DOUGLAS

Has anyone called the police yet?

 

            PHILLIP

No. Why?

 

            DOUGLAS

I almost died.

 

            CINDY

Are you okay?

 

            DOUGLAS

I’m calling the police.

 

                        Pause.

 

            PHILLIP (To Cindy)

We should go out some time. We were so great together back in college.

 

            MS. THATCHER

Actually they weren’t great together back in college. Cindy cheated on Phillip six and half times during the two weeks they dated. Phillip had previously known about three and a quarter of those times, until two years of intense therapy helped him to repress most of the details of their relationship. The only details he remembers now are that he dated a girl named Cindy and that she had an almost flawless rear bumper, a fact that no man can forget. No matter how much therapy they get.

 

            CINDY

Yeah, we had some good times.

 

 

            PHILLIP

I don’t know why we ever broke up.

 

            CINDY

Neither do I.

 

            MS. THATCHER

Cindy knew full well why Phillip ended their relationship. In fact she remember each incident in great detail except for the face of one of the men she had cheated with.

 

            DOUGLAS

(To CINDY) I’m sorry to interrupt but do we know each other?

 

            CINDY

I don’t think so.

 

            MS. THATCHER

But they did know each other. This was the face of the man Cindy could not remember. Douglas did not remember her face either- but rather recognized the shapely features of her butt. Honestly though, who could forget that butt- and, to be fair, it was very dark and smoky in that bathroom stall.

 

                        JANET enters as POLICE OFFICER wearing a police uniform.

 

            POLICE OFFICER

I received a report of gun fire.

 

            PHILLIP

Gun fire?

 

            DOUGLAS

Yes officer, a woman fired a shot at me, then ran.

 

            PHILLIP

She did?

 

            POLICE OFFICER

Could you describe the woman?

 

            DOUGLAS

Parts of her.

 

            PHILLIP

(To CINDY) Were we almost shot?

 

 

            POLICE OFFICER

I’m going to need all your names and a statement from each of you.

 

PHILLIP, DOUGLAS and CINDY crowd around the POLICE OFFICER who is taking down notes.

 

            MS. THATCHER

As the Police Officer takes down each person’s name and statement, she can’t help but wonder why Cindy strikes her as so familiar.

 

            POLICE OFFICE

(To CINDY) Have I seen you before?

 

            CINDY

I don’t think so.

 

            MS. THATCHER

But she had seen Cindy before specifically Cindy’s firm-as-a-peach ass. Cindy had slept with the Police Officers husband. The Police Officer had come home early and caught them, but had only seen Cindy’s rear as she snuck out the back door.

 

            PHILLIP

Wait a minute. You’re telling me a gun was fired right next to me?

 

            POLICE OFFICE

This man (Gestures to DOUGLAS) claims you were standing right next to her.

 

            PHILLIP

I don’t remember that.

 

            POLICE OFFICER

(To CINDY) What about you ma’am? Did you get a look at the shooter?

 

            CINDY

I only saw her back when she ran.

 

            POLICE OFFICER

You wouldn’t believe how often that happens.

 

                        DOUGLAS picks up the gun and hands it to POLICE OFFICER.

 

            DOUGLAS

This must be the gun.

 

 

            POLICE OFFICER

I’ll just collect this evidence and then I’m done here.

 

POLICE OFFICER puts the gun in a bag and exits. DOUGLAS exits.

 

MS. THATCHER

Cindy and Phillip talk for hours. They go out for dinner at a very upscale restaurant and then back to Phillip’s apartment.

 

                        CINDY turns her back to the audience and flashes PHILLIP. 

 

            MS. THATCHER

They have a one night stand.

 

CINDY and PHILLIP frantically kiss as they exit the stage. DOUGLAS enters and walks across the stage.

 

            MS. THATCHER

As Douglas walks home that evening, he considers the events that have taken place. His near death experience leads him to a life changing epiphany.

 

            DOUGLAS

I’m an asshole.

 

            MS. THATCHER

He realizes for the first time in his life how his actions have effected other people and, for the first time in a long time, he thinks of his wife.

 

            DOUGLAS

I’ll never cheat again.

 

            MS. THATCHER

Unfortunately for Douglas, he arrives home to find his wife has left him.

 

                        DOUGLAS exits. JANET enters wearing dark glasses.

 

            MS. THATCHER

Janet, fearing the law for her attempted murder, flees the country.

 

                        JANET exits.

 

MS. THATCHER

 She lives out the rest of her days in Mexico, believing herself to be a fugitive on the run.

 

                        JANET and DOUGLAS enter. JANET is wearing beads.

 

            MS. THATCHER

Five years later, Douglas sees his former wife Janet while on spring break in Cancun. Somehow, neither recognizes the other…

 

                        JANET turns her back to the audience and flashes DOUGLAS.

 

            MS. THATCHER

They have a one night stand.

 

JANET and DOUGLAS frantically kiss as they exit the stage.

 

            MS. THATCHER

As for the elderly woman, accidentally wounded by the bullet shot by Janet, intending to kill her husband Douglas…

 

                        MS. THATCHER puts on a gray wig.

 

            MS. THATCHER

I, Margaret Thatcher, eventually died from that accidental bullet wound. Many people read the papers the next day and felt that my death was a tragedy. In fact one woman said  I might have cured cancer had I not been killed. The truth of the matter is this: although Janet intended to kill Douglas for cheating on her, she succeeded in killing the mistress who had knowingly helped Douglas cheat. Yes, I was Douglas’s mistress and yes, I was a seventy-two year old woman who was addicted to sex. I may have been old and post-menopausal but I had the soul and sex drive of a twenty year old male. (Brief Pause) So, in a way I suppose, my death was not unwarranted. I knew I was playing a dangerous game, dating a married man half my age, but I did it anyway. (Brief Pause) Those who knew me remember me fondly. They remember that I always watched Wheel Of Fortune and ate chicken noodle soup. That I loved a good spanking and that during rough sex, the safety word was always Shazaam… I also enjoyed sunsets and long walks on the beach.

 

                        Black Out.